You’ve done your homework. All that’s left to do now is the talking. It won’t be easy. But if you embrace the following roadmap, it can be a productive start to a successful child-parent dialogue.
Make Your Loved One Comfortable
When, where and how you have the talk can be just as important as what you say. The first thing you should do, therefore, is arrange to have the conversation at a time that’s convenient for your parents and in a place that’s comfortable for them.
If your parents hate talking on the phone, for example, it might be best to have the talk in person—even if that means waiting a few months until your next visit if you live out of state. Likewise, blindsiding them over dinner in a public restaurant might not be the best approach. Instead, tell them ahead of time that you’d like to have a serious conversation, and let them decide where they’d like to have it. That gives them time to prepare themselves, and makes them feel like they have agency in the discussion they’re about to have with you.
Break the Ice
Starting the discussion often is the most difficult part of it. To get things off on the right foot, consider different ways to break the ice with anecdotes. For instance, you could:
- APPEAL TO THEIR DESIRES:
Have your parents been dreaming about traveling? Does Mom regularly muse about how nice it would be to have more neighbors her age, or how she misses her Bunco group? Seize on those desires and use them as a jumping-off point.
For example, “I know you guys have been wanting to travel more. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could put some of the money you’re spending on the house into traveling? Or if you didn’t have to worry about the house while you were away? If you lived in a senior living community, you might have more freedom to do the things you’ve been wanting to do.” - ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEARS:
Has Dad had health scares? Has Mom been having memory problems? Did they have a hard time putting up their holiday decorations this year, or stocking up for a big winter storm? Offering solutions to things they’re already worried about can be an effective approach.
For example, “Remember last summer when you tripped in your garden? Thank goodness you were OK, but what if something like that happens again? If you lived in a senior living community, you wouldn’t have to worry about that.” - EMPHASIZE SUCCESS STORIES:
The grass is always greener on the other side. Sharing positive anecdotes from friends and family members who have already made the transition to senior living can help you make the grass look even greener.
For example, “Didn’t your cousin Mary recently move into a senior living community? I hear that she’s really loving it. Have you thought about doing something similar?” - SET AN EXAMPLE:
If your parents are procrastinators, it might help if you lead the way. And leading by example can be especially effective.
For example, “I finally sat down with an attorney last month to do my estate planning. I feel so much better having that done. Have you guys done yours yet?” - PLEAD TO THEIR INNER PARENT:
Your parents have always wanted the best for you, and the last thing they want to be is a burden. Appealing to their inner nurturers can therefore be a good way to grab their attention.
For example, “I’ve been feeling really anxious lately about how I’m going to possibly manage everything in the future—maintaining my job, caring for the kids and watching over you guys. Knowing you were safe in a senior living community would sure make me feel better.”
Embrace Empathy
Next to practical information about what senior living communities are and what benefits they confer, probably the most important thing you can bring to your conversation with Mom and Dad is empathy. Because even if you approach the discussion from the right place and make all the right points, your parents might still have a negative reaction initially. And that’s understandable.
Change is hard to process, and aging is emotional. Before you become defensive or combative, try to put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Remain calm, honest and rational, even if they cannot. If you can be continually cognizant of their concerns and unflinchingly respectful of their feelings, cooler heads eventually will prevail.
Practice Active Listening
Next to practical information about what senior living communities are and what benefits they confer, probably the most important thing you can bring to your conversation with Mom and Dad is empathy. Because even if you approach the discussion from the right place and make all the right points, your parents might still have a negative reaction initially. And that’s understandable.
Change is hard to process, and aging is emotional. Before you become defensive or combative, try to put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Remain calm, honest and rational, even if they cannot. If you can be continually cognizant of their concerns and unflinchingly respectful of their feelings, cooler heads eventually will prevail.
Be Persistent, Not Pushy
Your parents are still your parents. Just because they’ve reached a certain age doesn’t mean they’ve lost their powers of reason or relinquished their sovereignty. Even when they disagree with you, they’re still autonomous adults who are allowed to make their own decisions.
With that in mind, it’s helpful to remember that your role is not that of a decider someone who makes unilateral decisions on behalf of your entire family—but rather that of an advisor: someone who suggests, informs, encourages and inspires. If you don’t get the accord you were seeking right away, that’s OK. If you continue to make and repeat your points, your parents eventually will hear you out.
You’ve Talked…Now What?
To move the needle, keep the conversation alive.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your parents’ future be. Progress takes persistence. No matter how things go, it’s important to keep communicating. After all, The Talk is rarely a single conversation.
More often than not, it’s the opening salvo in a series of conversations that gradually, eventually produces the best outcome for parents and children alike. That outcome might be a senior living community. But also, it might not be.
Either way, coming to a decision requires a slow and steady approach that’s based on compromise and collaboration. Like sailing, you’ve got to constantly assess the wind and adjust your sails in order to reach your destination—whether you’re captain of the boat or just another crew member.
